Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.

   "I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life

   Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry