Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   somewhere there a stoner watching the news hearing about Ebola & they ask "a bowl of what"

   FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong.

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   OK. The US is sending troops to West Africa to fight Ebola and humanitarian aid to the Middle East to fight ISIS. How the hell did we ever win two World Wars?

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous and six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Did You know if you unscramble 'Ebola Outbreak', it reads: We just want to scare you suckers like we did with Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Antharax, AIDS and high gas prices. Because scarring the public is what the government who created them is what they're go

   II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit

   American people are not evil people. If given the right information they will do the right thing. The problem lies with their lack of information/incorrect information. Robbin - I concur

   It's only October 17th and I'm already sick of seeing anything regarding black friday .. seriously people have you no respect?? its african-american friday, dammit!

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...