Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.

   If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.

   Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   make america a vast wilderness again

   I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.

   Are you sure that's all the cats you have?