Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   Sometimes "message failed to send," is your second chance.

   Crap, my Giga Pet just died.

   When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...

   Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   For Halloween I'm going as a mom who sends her kids up to strangers' houses to beg for candy while she stands in the street drinking a beer.

   Here's hoping that the new Star Wars trailer results in the Princess Leia metal binki costume trend coming back.

   I will judge you based on what your teen-aged daughter wears on Halloween

   9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?

   If Hooters delivered would they be called Knockers?

   Are you single? No I am Album.

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."