Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today

   HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck