Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   Sorry I took a little long to decide however it's better late than never..As of today I am also breaking up all my business relationships with ‪#‎Trump‬

   oh the good ole days when music videos were the same length as the actual song

   Morning America, what are we offended by today?

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.

   An illiterate man is a dead man walking.

   Obama is demanding British rocker change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   My bad, Obama is demanding British rocker Billy Idol change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   Before drinking an "energy drink", pause to consider this: How are you going to use that extra energy to better serve Christ?

   Hash tagging more than a few times in a post is like wearing Ed Hardy.

   Wow! U.S. accepted Cuba BEFORE accepting Justin Bieber?There is hope down there. (Canadian observer)

   An ISIS terrorist was temporarily detained at the US border, when his prayer rug was mistaken for a Confederate Flag.

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   McDonald's is going through a downward spiral and they can't figure out how to stop it?!? Hello serve breakfast all day...

   Sure, my dog keeps running into the wall head first but you have to admit he looks way smarter since he started wearing my reading glasses.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to pray and he will starve waiting for fish to fall from the sky.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...