Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking news: Police managed to floor Matt with no Sweat...

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   I've been to WI, I think that farmers only .com is being very generous with how many hit farmers daughters there are

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

   Sòdømy is not marriage. Pórnögraphy is not art. Desires are not rights. At this point I feel ignorance shouls b bliss. In a few years expect a lot of traumatized babies whose dad's screw each other..gross

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   So only 9 people in supreme courts sit around and decide what's legal and what's not for the rest of over 500 million Americans? Yes I see how your democracy is very fair.

   Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

   If you are Canadian and have used Maple Syrup as lube, can I get some pancakes with that?

   When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?

   My sisters don't think "Joe's Bra Shop:We fix flats." is an appropriate way to answer the phone but the boys who call think I'm hilarious.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"

   I am hoping that legalizing gay marriage will increase the chances of a hot lesbian couple moving in next door.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   Complicated, for two please.

   If you're not having a blast, you're doing life wrong.