Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.

   Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!!

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream. :HR Department

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   Does anyone know how to change the difficulty setting on getting the sex?

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."

   Introverts like to have fun too, we just don't care if you know.

   If you ever find me on my death bead, please take me off my death bed and put me in my alive bed.

   If you've every seen someone try to put an old dollar bill into a vending machine, then you've pretty much seen my sex tape.

   If I owned a book store, I'd rename the Romance section "Fantasy", because common ladies....

   Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?

   Rumors are swirling that Bruce Jenner is in talks with Britney Spears to do a duet of the song I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

   I hated grade one because my teacher could never remember my name. What made it worse was that I was home schooled!

   Just ordered my poster from Vanity Fair of Bruce Jenner to replace my Farrah Fawcett poster

   A woman can only run as fast as her boobs let her!

   Bruce Jenner can transition into whatever he/she wants to. All I ask is that his stepdaughters are transitioned into the bird $hi+ on my windshield, because I just got a fresh gallon of washer fluid.

   After seeing Caitlyn photos, I'm starting to doubt if Lady Gaga is a drag queen.