Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This bottle of Ny-Quil tastes like I'm drinking on the job and getting away with it

   At this point in my marriage, I'm willing to trade cunnilingus for the 15 mintues of not having to talk.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   Men, I don't care about your abs, I do care if you drink lite beer. Keep the belly, drink real beer.

   I really like people who don't know how full of crap I really am.

   "I'm defintely more of a 'go big' than a 'go home' guy" ~ Me to the cashier as she rings up my 30 pack.

   I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had my name changed to Not Guilty. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *Moonwalks outta there*

   Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.

   I feel sadly left out knowing that I'm one of the few people in this country who hasn't shot or been shot at by George Zimmerman.

   My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   Obama has driven me to a financial status that I can't tip delivery drivers if there's is a delivery charge anymore. Sorry guys, but minimum wage should be $10/hr soon so you'll be fine.

   Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?

   Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.