Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.

   She tried to make me leave the house without my phone charger and that's when I called the cops.

   I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

   I was gonna throw an Earth Day party but I forgot to planet.

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

   Dating is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

   This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.

   it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!

   A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

   f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.

   Hillary's already working on her 2020 re-election campaign

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   I'm no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.

   Stoner dudette, those were days ago

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks