Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.

   Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.

   I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.

   They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye

   Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?

   WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"

   Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"

   I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   Sorry, I can't be your Valentine. I already have 12. *points to case of beer*

   Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   I look at my milk carton in the fridge and it read "Feb 14". Even my milk has a Valentine's date and I don't.

   gonna be cold out tonight.. make sure you bring in your pets and the elderly..

   On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to. I really can't see a downside

   My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don't want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.