Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you can tell if someone worships satan if they have their phone's keypad tone on.

   church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   Did you know!! if you walk like a penguin you won't slip on ice.. ;)

   If I was married to a supermodel, my balls would always be deflated too...

   I wish my wife would look at me the way Biden looks at the back of Obamas head.

   did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   The world is effed up when boy bands sing about Jack and country singers sing about Crown...

   The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Facebook is for entertainment. Nobody really cares about how sad and lonely you are, you better add some jokes on the end of that post

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   i wonder why all 3 insurance companies don't combine & call themselves "Alstate Farm Bureau"