Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott

   She lost me at, "I don't watch football."

   Be careful what you pray for: you just might get it. Kidding! Prayer doesn’t work.

   My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Tony Romo should seriously consider committing a Felony, He would be a hell of a Quarterback in a Penal League somewhere I bet... Hell of a Wide Receiver too...