Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   [In the car on first date] Her: So you're 27 Me: Yup Her: You don't think this is awkward? Me: No why? Hold that thought. Mom turn left here

   [sees a baby napping] get a job like the rest of us you lazy dwarf

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   Now there is a tradition on facebook of all my female friends sending me naked selfies at Midnight ok, Its not me fb insists.

   Maybe NYPD can use their new found love for back turning, the next time they see a dark skin person doing nothing wrong.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   i'm hoping I don't wake up naked in my neighbours yard again this hey years.

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.

   If your a guy and you have sparkles on your face, be sure to stop by Victoria Secrets to pick out a bra and panty set to match your new bling.

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   Sorry guys, no New Years party this year. Last year I got arrested for punching a guy in the face. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

   If you see your buddy drinking an apple beer, you are required to kick him in his vag.

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   Why is it that people who are the most vocal about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday, it’s probably still going to suck today in 2015...

   I feel pretty damn good this morning, I made it 2 hours longer then my last years, New Years Resolution!

   New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!