Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   If YOU pick a super expensive restaurant, for YOUR birthday, and invite me... then YOU pay.

   Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!

   Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph

   Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!

   Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.

   90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.

   A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide

   The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong