Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed?

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story.

   Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

   ignore me and watch how fast you get cut off and stop existing to me.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   destroying myself to fix you

   I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...

   Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?

   There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty

   I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.