Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.

   Hey, women that wear any lipstick darker than red: No.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys

   Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   the new Star Wars trailer went online today & it's already a better movie than The Phantom Menace.

   Thank the powers that you're not here to smell that one.

   Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   Black Friday: The day you spend hundreds of dollars on possessions to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in possessions.

   The Greatest Generation stormed Normandy so that today, we could storm Target.

   My granddaughter gets up at night and goes to the bathroom all by herself and everyone is so proud. I do that four times a night and nobody says squat.

   Enjoy it folks. This is the only day of the year when you can say "Black" all day long and not be called a racist.

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful ♫