Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   In a BMW manual the first page says "Drive like an a$$hole" and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

   Helping someone set up a Facebook account is kind of like watching someone try meth for the 1st time.

   So did Queen Elsa put a spell on the Kingdom of Buffalo?

   Remember when someone had posted "who cares if we don't get to see polars Bears, cuz we didn't get to see dinosaurs?" I guess mother natures cares with this winter blast!

   I wonder what my dog named me?

   Buffalo residents be like....Every day I'm Shovelin.....(add music here)

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   What the heck is almond milk? Almonds don't even have tities!

   If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...

   Replacing "Sent from my iPhone" with "sent from my “telepathic mind reading Auto-reply app”

   Never mind shoveling out Ralph Wilson Stadium, change the rules to allow a defensive line of snowmen. That ought to liven things up.

   The Theatre Alliance of Buffalo is holding auditions for Frozen tonight from 6 to 9

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   Report: Buffalo is running out of beer...guys we are basically district 12 from the hunger games...the end is ne

   See, it's not only Canada that gets snow. Got that Florida, Texas, California........

   They said to dress for the job I want; not the one I have. So now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.