Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz

   Biden's son, another example of someone out douching their douchey parent

   "You know. If I had a son, he'd look like Hunter Biden and would do blow off a secretary's tramp stamp on a Naval base" ~ Barack Obama

   If you're asking why there are no black folks in the movie Titanic. Who the hell do you think brought the luggages on board?

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   It's only October 17th and I'm already sick of seeing anything regarding black friday .. seriously people have you no respect?? its african-american friday, dammit!