Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?

   They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   If some people knew what I was capable of they'd surely be nicer to me.

   Borrow five dollars from a woman and they will forget. Borrow a piece of Tupperware from a woman and they will hunt you down to every corner of the planet.

   Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music

   Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?