Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   White male, AKA inventors of nearly everything on earth...

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   Two crows got married and a beautiful family. It was the perfect murder.

   800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   Just putting it out there, most Americans, myself included, don't like Our governments involvement in other countries either. Don't hate the American people, it's our governments doing, not ours.

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.