Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   I bought shoes from a drug dealer today. Don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day!

   My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.

   it me or this presidency has experienced more Virus out break since AIDS? Remember the Swine Flu, bird Flu, Housing Bubble Flu, Bank bail out Flu, and my favorite was when Congress Flew

   Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   You can't fight terro0rism with patience." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Word of the Day: Eskiho - A girl who wears UGG boots and miniskirts.