Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   [walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.

   well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle

   I miss the life I planned in my head.

   I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."

   Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.