Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns and says to the other "Dam"

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes... maybe these 20 cats really aren't my friends after all :(

   The question no one is asking: What did Janay do to piss him off?

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now.

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   Did you hear about the girl who had TWO chances to get pregnant, and she blew them both?

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know

   Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.

   Well played fat girl in a hot car, well played...