Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??

   Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   This all started when I told her to prove it.

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   somehow,the NFL must find itself wishing Richie Incognito was still it's worse bully.

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England