Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   Who watches you calmly from afar, is the one who wants you close the most.

   I have bad luck with women. I could date a paraplegics, and she will still get up and leave me.

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   No legs and he still managed to walk away from a murder charge?

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   Why can't bakers count?

   The judge says oscar pistorius can't be found guilty of murder... That's very disturbing news... For my wife who's just gone to the toilet...

   If Will.I.Am's tombstone doesn't say "Will.I.Was", I will be very disappointed.

   I googled "white nfl players arrested", it showed me a black guy

   Hold up.. Spanking your kid can get you arrested??? If thats the case my mom should be on Death Row.. . ‪

   I Googled "white nfl players arrested" and it came back "Do you mean 'black nfl players arrested'?"

   Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong but...."Don't do it!! It's a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!

   You should never judge a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is.

   No man will ever look as deeply into my eyes like the surgeon at Lasik.