Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy that named the Pterodactyl could have learned a lot from the guy that named the Fly.

   There comes a point in everybody's life when they feel forgotten by someone they'll never forget.

   If Isis starts targeting Golf courses, Obama will unleash hell on them.

   okay. I guess i'm to old to keep up with modern pop culture. Who is Jennifer Lawrence and why does she have nude pictures of me?

   When you tell a woman to show her teeth when she smiles, make sure you pronounce the word "Teeth" correctly to avoid being slapped.

   when a woman asks if her dress makes her look fat, don’t respond. she’s probably asking her husband and you’ll make him know where you are hiding.

   sex addict is someone who likes to have sex, just like everyone. their condition is called being alive.

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   You know it's time to get out of the bath, when your piss is warmer than the water in the bath!!!!

   They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.

   Since when did everything I was taught growing up that was wrong to do suddenly became Ok. . .

   Not to be rude but how fast food workers feel that 15 dollars an hour is realistic when they can't even get my 1 dollar cheeseburger correct?!?

   I live my life with no regrets. I apologize for nothing. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is!"

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   RIP Joan Rivers. She was 80 years old. Her nose was 31, and her lips sadly were only 22. So young!

   R.I.P Joan Rivers, May your non-biodegradable body poison the ground for the next thousand years like your personality has poisoned all of society for the last thousand.

   I took my kid to a Speech Pathologist today but I'm not sure he's really a Dr. All he said was "Say it, don't spray it."

   Dead Joan Rivers jokes are so 1933.

   Remember when Joan Rivers didnt look a day over $225,000

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day