Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life

   I bet Hell has the same toilet paper as airports.

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.

   McDonald's is changing their slogan form "We made it yesterday" to "Old, Cold, and Sold to you".

   Dating site for overweight people: All you can meet.

   50 Cent OR Floyd Mayweather Jnr - Let see which side Justin Beaver will choose

   I hear 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather are going to settle their feud in the ring. I'd actually pay to see that fight- I bet if I was lucky enough to catch one of 50 Cent's teeth I could sell it on eBay.

   ALS Foundation admits that only 27% of donations are used for research!!! How's that bucket of ice feel now?

   I've decided that I'm never going to get back to my original weight and I'm OK with that. After all, 6 lbs 7 oz. isn't a realistic expectation.

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   So, that's $27 million for ALS research? Feels great!!

   I channel my white side when I'm approached by the cops..

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH. Act your wage!

   Does anyone else ever just take a couple of ibuprofin, just in case?

   Girls cant find their wallets, shoes or car keys but they sure as hell can remember something you said 8 months ago