Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas

   it was sooo cold last winter that i'm still farting snow flakes in August

   The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.

   Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.

   When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   Ebola guy in Atlanta .....if that does end up being an outbreak, everyone will at 1st just think it's The Walking Dead walkers.

   I watch the Purge tonight and it's not a bad idea.

   convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.

   Late night 20 minute conversations with the McDonalds Drive thru guy about those who we aspire to love, the desolate restitution of our youth, and McNuggets. Because adulthood.

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola

   Women who request for a massage from a guy without a happy ending are delusional.

   Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

   I hate you like Americans hate the Kardashians.

   Next time for national twins day, I expect more women to post pics of their "twins". You were slacking this year.

   I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.