Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   How can anyone think 295 people dying is funny?

   When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   President Obama called for the immediate cessation of hostilities in Gaza today. He went on to warn that if there isn't a peace treaty signed by both sides on his desk by the end of the week, that he has a phone and a pen. "My Will Be Done" -- B. Hussein

   I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .

   Ladies... When they say it's all downhill after 40... Just know.... They're talking about gravity!

   I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1968) Busy day today. Me and my cousin rode are bikes all over town. Later we went fishing and after that played some basketball , don't text us we don't have a cell phone............

   Some people shouldn't talk unless they can improve on the silence.

   Prince's greatest hits now under twenty quid, so tonight I'm going to party like it's £19.99.

   If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

   can someone tell Andrew Jackson we read Snarkecards also

   What do you call Converse on a nun? Nunchucks.

   People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine

   I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.