Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard to believe its been 18 years since Will Smith saved 'Merica!!

   Lets celebrate our independance in America by drinking beer and shooting off fireworks made in China

   When the light turns yellow I don't know if I should gas it or slam on the brakes, so I do both

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   I need to work on my texting. I text a girl C- U- N- T....... I meant..." see you next Thursday" and now she is not speaking to me.

   [Mother-in-law visiting] -May I use your restroom? -Down the hall first door on the right -That's the front door -You may use the yard

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.