Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   Posted 14 hours ago Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   You're like the warm beer of people.

   Love is being willing to die for someone that you want to disfigure with acid, decapitate, and send through a wood chipper on a daily basis.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.

   going to Hobby Lobby to hand out free contraceptives to women. Maybe I'll get lucky...

   83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.