Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

   So apparently North Korea is threatening war on the US over a Seth Rogen film in which Kim Jong-un is assassinated. Maybe someone should tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian...

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"

   if you have already read the books please don't spoil the ending of the world cup

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Im a little over the religious rants here...Adam and Eve had 2 sons...how did the world populate....seems like a scam to me!!

   maybe talk to ya when ya get yer balls sewn back on...thats if she lets ya have em back from out of her hand bag

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.

   If a soccer player falls in the forest & no one is around, do they still writhe around displaying Oscar worthy performances of pain and grimacing on the ground acting like their shin or their knee exploded? like watching JFK get shot

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again and throwing yourself down a flight of stairs in a furious tear-filled rage?

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   Have you tried being more dramatic? Maybe that will work.

   There was shootings and stabbings surround the BET Awards? You dont say. In other news, meteorologist suggest it "may be hott" today in the Safari Desert.

   You cannot suck your own lollipop............. man if I could I would never leave home!