Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   There is no I in TEAM. But if you rearrange the letters there is a ME.

   i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   An app that displays the word "Yo" on a freinds lock screen... and that's all it does has raised over $1 million. In related news, I no longer want to live on this planet anymore.

   Let me be the first to say, I don't give a fly monkey kcuf the Kardashians are back. . .

   Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked.............................For Free!!

   If I've learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it's to stay away from those in the tampon isle.

   If you ever think that English is not a shtty language, just remember that read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead

   While attempting to pick up broads in the supermarket it helps to pose as a pharmacist with a banana in your pants

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   a little shake .. a little tingle.. a little shake.. a little tingle.

   It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.

   I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that's for here."

   So....the Patent Office ruled that the Washington Redskins name is offensive.... if I was the owner, I would keep the name the same and change the mascot to a potato!! The Washington Redskin Potatos

   Hey ghetto people. Us educated people like the following. CUZ=Because. WIT=With. #=If your older grow up.