Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.

   You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"

   The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.

   I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it

   Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.

   5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.

   Women should come with a Carfax report!

   sometimes I turn on my FB chat just to see who is pooping at the same times as me.

   RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.

   My girlfriend isn't much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!

   Seems like a circular driveway would be pointless...how would you ever get out?

   I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.