Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

   Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   "I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla

   My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.