Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

   Eats entire contents of kitchen while waiting for pizza delivery

   [Jesus at the bar] "Oh, I'll just have a water" *winks at camera*

   *Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO you MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE you KNOWN

   Any man who turns water into wine is a friend of mine.

   How much for the antidepressants? Ma'am those are puppies.

   That moment when you wake up the next morning laying in bed next to the one you just fell in love with and you lay there trying to remember their name? GOD I MISS MY 20'S!

   Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!

   First to stand, Last to fall. Face the danger, Kill 'em All

   You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.

   You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless.

   Kim and Kanye get married. Who cares? Ain't nobody got time for that....

   It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? I doubt this is what our fallen solders of WWII fought so bravely to defeat the Nazi’s. On behalf of them I am sorry.

   Arkansas is like a pretty bimbo who's a lousy lay. Nice to look at but not very stimulating.

   "You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo

   How do I politely tell someone's too ugly for me to accept their FB friend request?

   I wonder if the first man who said to a woman 'Just calm down' seriously expected that to happen.