Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was holding my girlfriend's hair as she was puking and she farted at the same time. We broke up because I couldn't stop laughing.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   I think the book "Charlottes Web" would've been a better book if Charlotte was evil and out to get Wilber. Instead of writing "some pig" she should've wrote "Links or Patties". And yelled "Ill get you pig!" As she crawled away

   Here's a list of people who have time for that - 1) Nobdy

   I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

   I'm mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

   Yes. Is time travel possible?

   If Hillary is elected President, at least we only have to pay her 300K...

   I have a dream that one day Martin Luther King will come back to our world and kick the owner of the Clippers square in the nuts.

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering new "open seating" in the wheel well section.

   Facebook features three types of women: hot, photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.

   Don Sterling in trouble for freedom of speech!!!

   If KFC Owner would pull a Sterling, they would go out of business.

   Freedom of Speech means you the right to say whatever you want whenever you want, but it doesn't exempt you from the consequences of free speech. If you can't handle the consequences of freedom of speech, you probably shouldn't be speaking.

   HOW TO TWERK.... STEP 1.....Reconsider...

   naked and afraid is much funnier when you make a fart noise each time you see a naked butt

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.

   i think Hawaiian Airlines should change slogan to "we do wheely well"

   The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.