Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   Asked coworker what she was going tonight? She replied, drinking. I meant for Good Friday. She said dont worry, I'll pour one out for him.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!

   I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey

   I tickled someone behind closed doors... now my giant dong is gone.

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.

   My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   Find someone you're good at.

   Liars are like regular people except I want to hit them with a baseball bat.

   Twitter is the gym membership of the internet

   Pro tip: the kids run around a little longer of you forget to hide the eggs

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?