Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   I thought my mom forgot about Dre until she showed up at the beach wearing nuthin but a g-strang.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   You had me at, "Why do people keep asking me,what kind meds am I on?"

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.