Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?