Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.