Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!

   McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.