Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not calling it....but I don't think Sir Mix-a-lot is really a knight.

   World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

   Fort Hood suffers tradegy again. Perhaps they should change it to Fort Suburbs.

   I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.

   If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry

   I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.

   Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

   He said: "I have this certain animal magnatism about me." She said: "Yes, you do tend to attract animals."

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.