Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!

   "She's so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend?"... Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isn't a judgemental c%nt like you.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

   if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"

   Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   What does Obamacare and Obama's NCAA bracket have in common? They are both busted.

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.