Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those that still can't believe it's not butter have margarinal faith.

   Love Coco Puffs. Hate Popo Cuffs.

   I'm sorry I keyed your car, but you didn't text me good morning.

   lesbians use BIG strap-ons ;-)

   It's a damn shame that all the people who avoid me can't just come to terms with being in love with me.

   When I see a beautiful young lady with a really old or ugly dude, I think the same thing as everyone else....How rich is that guy?

   Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

   Who need's a spouse when you have the Facebook?

   So when is the next heterosexual parade so we can brag about how heterosexual we are? Asking for a friend....

   Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Friday night here I come

   Find a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. My whole life Frosted Flakes has been my favorite cereal. I keep it in my freezer as the cereal says Frosted.

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you put your head lights on does it act as breaks and slow you down. . .

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   Envy = inferiority

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.