Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Olympic sport would be getting the hell out of Russia

   My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.

   America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.

   Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.

   just call me "Mario" cause I've been looking & looking & cant seem to find a woman either #Nintendo

   ♫ oooooh, if you're happy and you know it hit Alt F4 ♫

   - Malaysian airlines confirmed having crashed in ocean. World is shocked. Seems everyone must have thought it had landed safely in some remote landing strip somewhere, like most missing planes do.

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   Ladies, if you suspect your man of cheating and you know where the "mystery" woman lives... drive by the house and if the WiFi connects you have your answer.

   My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....

   Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.

   its like hot people have the right or licence to be rude and inconsiderate.

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   when you heard a jet overhead this past two weeks, were you looking to see if was Malaysian Airlines 370?

   I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"

   I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane