Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ohh Crimea a river Ukraine... -Steven E. Hewlett jr (Too SOON INC)

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.

   Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a sh it.

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo.

   They're women, drama is not an option, it's in their DNA.

   Would give Justin Bieber in return for missing plane.

   One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on.

   I wanna be the reason you realize your husband is really not that bad.

   A busy tongue is good tongue,when it's not being used for talking.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."

   Sorry I was charming. It won't happen again.

   All I'm saying is, if that plane was a white girl named Ashley, the US would have found it by now.

   I'm texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!

   I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.

   -- Note to self: 'Cancel cruise to Indian Ocean. No chance of rescue if boat capsizes.'