Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden

   My wife told me to whisper dirty things to her, so I said "The Kitchen, Living room, Bedroom....

   Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.

   Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

   Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

   The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   Tired of everyone taunting and cursing you? Do you feel, no one cares about you anymore? Pressure at work? Feel like running away from this boring life?Fly Malaysian Airlines ✈.. And GET LOST..✈

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch

   So now we know what happens to planes when you don't turn off all mobile devices.

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that."

   So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.

   It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music