Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paper-cuts are like kisses from Satan

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??

   Someday I wish I could have been on the maylasia plane.

   it wrong to put eggs in chicken salad? It just seems wrong...

   heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   maybe this whole missing airplane is a Jimmy Kimmel prank taken too far.

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards

   You can get away with anything at Costco if you wear a hairnet

   whats the difference between a plane & in-laws? the whole world is worried about a plane when it's missing

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.